The world deeply needs a culture of skillful conflict transformation, informed by dharma practice. In such a culture, we would have individuals who combine inner capacities such as mindfulness, skill with difficult emotions, empathy and compassion, and equanimity, with perspectives on how to work with conflicts, whether inner, interpersonal, or social. In this talk, we look at some of the prevalent social conditioning around being with conflict, including tendencies to avoid conflict or act out when there are conflicts, and widespread tendencies to see conflicts dualistically and to project negative aspects onto “opponents.” In this context, Donald presents some images and reflections from his just-completed time of teaching and traveling for 3 1/2 weeks in Israel and the West Bank. He then focuses on some of the inner capacities important for being skillful with conflict, next time examining some of the perspectives on conflict that have come out of the fields of mediation, negotiation, and conflict transformation. There is also a time of discussion.

We explore further how to connect dharma practice with being skillful with conflict. We look at the various forms of conditioning around conflict, including the prevalent negative connotations of the word, “conflict,” the very common conditioning to either avoid conflicts or “act out” in conflicts (with avoidance being much more prevalent in our group), the tendency to see conflicts dualistically (in terms of winner vs. loser, right vs. wrong), and the tendency to project negative qualities onto one’s opponent. We examine more briefly some of the meditative resources for working with conflict and the importance of empathy, before focusing on the “win-win” or “both-and” model of conflict transformation; we work with several examples of conflicts given by the group.

We review what we’ve explored so far about practicing with conflict, including our conditioning and stereotypes about conflict (typically with views of conflict as negative), ways to bring our meditation practice into working with the “inner” states (emotions, thoughts, bodily states) that arise with conflict, and the “both-and” or “win-win” perspective on approaching conflict. We then bring in a further important resource—empathic understanding of another—outlining a simple way to “practice” empathy. We then work with an exercise bringing empathy to someone with whom one is in conflict. Then we discuss all of this.

In our fourth exploration of how to practice with conflict, we examine four practice resources, inviting listeners to keep in mind, as we explore the resources, a conflict (whether an inner conflict, an interpersonal conflict, or a larger social conflict); conflict is understood as a difference of, or tension between, positions or values or needs. The first resource is that of the tools of our inner practice: mindfulness practice, heart practices such as compassion, lovingkindness, and forgiveness, and ways to work with difficult emotions and thoughts such as anger, fear, sadness, frustration, the judgmental mind, etc. The second resource is that of the "win-win" or "both-and" model of conflict transformation, in which the aim is to move from an "either-or" or "win-lose" framework toward the "win-win" way of meeting the underlying values or needs of both sides; at times, we may need to move away from the "win-lose" framework through "avoidance" (time outs, cease-fires, etc.) or compromise, on the way, if possible, to "win-win." The third resource is that of empathy, taken as a practice central to working with conflicts of any kind. The fourth resource is that of working with attachments to fixed views that typically arise in conflict situations of any kind, especially through through mindfulness, inquiry, empathy, and heart practices.

On the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, when it is said that the veils of ignorance are lessened, we explore ways to “begin again,” both in the moment and more generally,--to re-align our lives, guided also by Buddhist resources and by poets, sages, and activists. Through guided reflections, we examine (1) ways in which we are “off the mark,” in which we need re-alignment; (2) what we wish to let go of and/or forgive; and (3) our deeper aspirations for the next period of time.

A day before Thanksgiving, we explore the central importance of cultivating generosity (dāna) and gratitude (kataññutā), and their interrelationship. The Buddha teaches (AN 2.11): "These two people are hard to find in the world. Which two? The one who is first to do a kindness, and the one who is grateful and thankful for a kindness done.” We look at a number of ways to practice to cultivate generosity and gratitude, and some of the nuances and complexities of such practices, including the importance of gratitude as a practice in difficult circumstances. Ultimately, these two practices teach us to rest more and more with a sense of interdependence and what Thich Nhat Hanh calls “interbeing.”

A day before Thanksgiving, we explore the central importance of cultivating generosity (dāna) and gratitude (kataññutā), and their interrelationship. The Buddha teaches (AN 2.11): "These two people are hard to find in the world. Which two? The one who is first to do a kindness, and the one who is grateful and thankful for a kindness done.” We look at a number of ways to practice to cultivate generosity and gratitude, and some of the nuances and complexities of such practices, including the importance of gratitude as a practice in difficult circumstances. Ultimately, these two practices teach us to rest more and more with a sense of interdependence and what Thich Nhat Hanh calls “interbeing.”